Never Have I Ever


You have not lived the life of a first world parent until you have many stories of some kind of bodily fluid cleanup happenstance story. So many that you feel like no one else could have this many stories - but infact I can tell you that Susan down the street, as much as she is trying to hide it, ALSO has these stories under her belt. Let’s play a game of “Never have I ever...” where I name something and you lower your head in defeat if you have. READY?!??

NEVER HAVE I EVER...
  •  Caught throw up in my hands...voluntarily 
I’m gonna let that one sink in for a bit
  • Never have I ever put my smiling baby up high in the air with their beautiful face looking down at you only to be directly vommited on with accuracy of a nuclear bomb.  
  • Been changing a baby’s diaper and caught their poo in your hands mid change. 
  • Awoken by the cry of someone breathing putrid smelling breath over you saying, “I fink I got sick mommy...”
  • In the car on an awesome family vacation and you look in the rear view mirror and you see those eyes and then hear the words, “I’m never eating eggs again.”
  • Bought a 24 pack of hospital waiting room grade vomit bags and needed to replenish your stash
  • Been late to enter a family party because sweet baby has blown out of her newly changed diaper.  And you can’t bring her in because you just don’t know where to start. 
  • Been on a car trip and heard your baby cry for the last 20 minutes and then stop because you can’t take anymore crying. So you lift your baby out of their seat to cuddle them and they instantly cover you all down your frontside with their meals from the day. 
  • grabbed my baby from their glorious two hour nap only to hug them and get a whiff of something to be proud of and realize their diaper they were supposed to be wearing...is laying on the floor. 

And this one is the kicker for me...this is new and something I’ve only seen in the movies.

Never Have I Ever heard from my bedroom what sounded like coughing and then immediately crying followed by...

...escorting the child down our long corridor to the bathroom with him spewing all over the hallway and then me slipping and falling in it! Like I slipped on a banana peel. Which now meant I was showering at 1:00am...and I DIDN’T need a shower...I was clean and I have curly hair and I hate taking showers especially at night.

All I could say were the caring words of my mother...

“You couldn’t just make it to the toilet.”



And there you have it my friends I have arrived. Let me know if you can top this one.

***Have no fear...all children were properly consoled and cuddled and cared for, but man why do these things happen in the middle of the night half the time!?!?


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