The Mothership

Have you ever painted a picture of what could be? The words in your mind painting this scene before your very screen of assumptions and probablys. You’ve played out entire dialogues with scene changes and character entrances and exits. But instead of painting something for leisure it’s full of offense, contempt, and sorrow. You’ve built a story upon the responses of the assumptions and now your memory can’t even recognize what’s real and what’s pish posh. Confidence has left the building and insecurity fills the crevices like the pest it is. I believe even confident people struggle with this. But it’s the hastening to wiping away of untruths and replacing them with the truths they know that separate the confident from the insecure. They pick themselves up and tell themselves the facts and the things that are true. And if they feel off about it, they SAY something to someone.  Open up. Open up to the truths! Because before long, if you don’t, your insecurities become your tr...

Things I’m secure in because now I’m 40… Unsolicited advice for those of you wanting to be entertained: Vulnerability and honesty go hand in hand for me. If you aren’t ready for both of those things from me…maybe turn and run because I can’t escape them.  I like alone time. Not for long, but I now know how necessary it is for my well-being. Those of you that know me know how far I’ve come.   No longer is my focus a low number on the scale, but e xercise and strength is important to me and my longevity. So is eating ice cream.   I like black coffee. It makes me think of all the times I said I would never drink it to my grandmother and how grown up I am now.   Stretching is now an everyday practice. All the triangle poses, warrior poses and hip flexor relaxers are integral to the success of the day. Keeping my marriage spicey is a priority. And in order for that to happen there needs to be connection. He is my best friend but we’ve worked at it and we certainly...

Struggles are real around here people. Struggles to make it through the days. Battles fought in the mind of identity, comparisons, and self worth. And this has been a struggle since I was little. However, my story never ends in defeat. The story always ends in victory. I know for some of us the battle is long, hard, and never seems to leave and for you...I am wholeheartedly praying. Praying for peace to break in and take hold. Because every time it does the battle has less casualties. I have come a long way, and ground is being taken and restored, but it has been a journey. I wanted to write about this to encourage anyone struggling with reading, writing, and comprehending. As a child, I was a struggling reader. I could read and decode the words on the page, but by the time I did, I had no idea what I had actually read. I would read, and reread, but not understand anything a text was saying. All the more, I hated writing and thought very little of anything I could produce. I hated re...

I'm early to my workout class...which is an anomaly in and of itself. Whenever I am there early I find myself feeling inadequate. I'm looking at myself in the large mirrors picking out all the "problem areas".  The room begins to fill with loads of ladies.  All different ages, capabilities, sizes, shapes...but none of that matters.  Most of the women in this class make it a POINT to workout.  They are here almost EVERY week.  The only things that keep them from coming are sickness, vacations, or caring and loving on their family. People talk and share stories from sleepless nights to taking care of grandbabies, to the vacations they were on...and we all meet in the middle. Class begins. and I continue looking at my shape and thinking of how my body "used to be...before kids...before marriage...before college..." and how it's just not good enough. This is a loooooong battle with the enemy right there.  He whispers these insecurities in my ears and m...

Comparison is the thief of joy - Theodore Roosevelt I feel as if I live a fairly joyous life. Yeah. I would say I am generally happy. I have beautiful kids, my husband and I have fun together and walk in relationship with Jesus...and many other blessings. I am a fairly positive person moving through life...and yet the enemy can still attack...not often, but he does it just enough.  And it is usually when I have realized a different piece in my calling.   He attacks me in my identity and tries to plant lies. He tries to strangle those seeds that God has planted and that are growing and squish the life from them.  The way he does this to me is mostly through comparison. He whispers: they are more fun than you they are nicer than you they are a better mom than you you are not looking like a Christian that person doesn't like you because you're not ... they are better at everything than you you are not enough And on and on it goes until I put a stop to it beca...

I sit here on Father's Day alone with the kids.  Even though I've already celebrated with all the Dad's closest to me, I won't see any today. And they still love me and I know it.  There are many a great men in my life, but there are three that have stood the test of time.  All three are strangely similar and yet differ in many ways.  This would be my Father, my Husband, and my Father-In-Law. These three are all similar in one wonderful way: they are all men of God.  Warriors for us and for our hearts.  Loving us in Truth unconditionally.  I realize today how blessed I am.  Each one of these men follows God with their utmost.  These men consider God before all things.  They exhibit some of the same wonderful characteristics as our heavenly Father.  Each one of these men has lead me to be closer to God in some way, and continue to do so. Above all the mistakes I have made or they have made, this is the most important part of them...

With Luke's new vocabulary questions have come.  He doesn't even stop to listen to the answer I am giving him and he's already asking another.  He also makes the most random comments and remarks out of nowhere.  Here are just some of my favorites: While watching a show about dinosaurs, "Mommy, what dat species?" "No, dat silly mommy.  I'ma sillwe monkey." "dah-hah, me feet stinky!" while running to an air-show, "Me LOVE see aiw-panes fly! Phshuuuuuu on a phone call with Mammie discussing what he saw at the air-show, "Me see jets, aiw-panes, racie cars, super guys, helwecopters, and SPACESHIP!  Phshuuuuuu!" if he seems absent mindedabout anything he snickers a little smile and says, "Ha, me forgot!" like it was such a surprise to him. after a long walk with with G-pa he came back and said, "Mammie, me walk weallwee farrr.  My legs so tired!" and my favorite: whilst playing or being corrected...

So I know plenty of women feel insecure about their body image when they are pregnant.  However, I seem to have heard the MOST ridiculous comments, directed at me, that no pregnant woman should ever have heard.  Some of them were even from the nurses at the Ob/Gyn office and they see tons of preggo ladies.  My conclusion is that I just make people feel sooooo comfortable that they decide they can tell me their inner most thoughts and not feel the need to filter anything.  Yes, this has to be the only logical answer.  Right? I mean what would posses a person to even say these things.  I have stuck my foot in my mouth plenty of times, but I almost always IMMEDIATELY retract my statement and profusely apologize.  Here are some of the statements: "Hmmm, and the doctor hasn't mentioned anything to you about how much you've gained?"  "Were you overweight before you became pregant?" said to me during delivery "Ooooooooo, ssshhhshhshsh, I really d...

So yesterday, for the first time ever, I prayed to ask God to heal someone...IN PUBLIC.  It was a very humbling experience. I have always been worried that I won't pray well on behalf of God; that I would be a terrible example of public prayer. It's certainly not like in the movies where you see people speak in tongues or have an immediate, miraculous epiphany or healing.  The message was about stepping out on our "Faith".  The Pastor asked people to stand who had some type of physical pain or ailment.  Right before he had mentioned this, I had asked God to show me how to be a little more selfless and step out on my faith.  Well, so be it, two ladies stood up right next to me.  It was like God was saying, "OK, here you go.  Now don't be a wuss and punk out on me." So, naturally I felt as if I needed to do something.  The Pastor made it very clear that this was not to be a performance of speaking in tongues or any kind of show; this was to be to ...

So, it's the eve before everyone returns to work and a regular schedule or "routine" as we professionals call it;) BOOOOOO :( This "stinky feeling" overcomes me in the pit of my stomach.  I think most people qualify it as depression (maybe I should get some Abilify to make this little rain cloud disappear).  I have always had this feeling when I have to leave people whose company makes me feel alive, safe, funny, comfortable, warm, and loved inside.  I can remember as early as 4 years of age having this feeling.  It's safe to say, I'm attached to people!  It's this ugly gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach.  It makes my mood "swing", turns my stomach into knots and even makes my eyes do this funny watery thing (very weird).  This feeling slightly overcomes me even when I am just leaving a family function or friendly party.  I...JUST...CAN'T...BREAK...AWAY!  What is wrong with me? I've come to a conclusion...it's because I jus...

After much thinking, hemming, and hawing, I decided blogging would become my new years resolution.  I am going to attempt to write as much as I can, as cleverly as I can, and maybe someday, I'll inform someone of this little blog thingy. There is so much pressure... pressure to edit correctly... pressure to be funny... pressure to...to..to...think of new things! IT'S SO MUCH PRESSURE! Enjoyment should be the name of the game, so that's what I'm going to do.  Enjoy my writing, I think I'm funny anyway:) I hope to include my friends, family and those not so friendly (maybe) in many anecdotes.  I've always enjoyed writing in my journal, but never for others before.  So, here it goes.  My best foot forward!  I...WILL...PERSEVERE! This blog will certainly challenge me...but I'm always up for a good challenge.  Especially one that no one knows about and I can be my own critic. So, if you've stumbled across this, bear with me.  Hope the nex...