The Mothership

Have you ever painted a picture of what could be? The words in your mind painting this scene before your very screen of assumptions and probablys. You’ve played out entire dialogues with scene changes and character entrances and exits. But instead of painting something for leisure it’s full of offense, contempt, and sorrow. You’ve built a story upon the responses of the assumptions and now your memory can’t even recognize what’s real and what’s pish posh. Confidence has left the building and insecurity fills the crevices like the pest it is. I believe even confident people struggle with this. But it’s the hastening to wiping away of untruths and replacing them with the truths they know that separate the confident from the insecure. They pick themselves up and tell themselves the facts and the things that are true. And if they feel off about it, they SAY something to someone.  Open up. Open up to the truths! Because before long, if you don’t, your insecurities become your tr...

 I don't know about you, but my head is spent.  It is spent because of all the decisions to be made per day are ridiculous. And for us outward processors that aren't processing with people face to face as much anymore...we don't even know how to communicate. A simple decision for me needs to be talked through thoroughly for all the possible outcomes before I can move forward. Pray for my husband because he has shown his true strength with listening to all my decision making skills.  Poor man just sits there, says nothing except maybe the occasional "well," and listens to the dialogue I give back and forth to myself like I'm slapping him in the face. But he's ok. When I am infiltrated with the abundance of pros and cons to be weighed, heaven help yourself if you are in the midst of that conversation, or monologue. I am so sorry to all my friends. Even the smallest of decisions requires careful deliberation. And lately I feel like there is nothing but delibe...

I feel like we all have varying degrees of where we are in our walk with the Lord. Some of us have been following Him for years. some have been questioning Him for years. Some are boldly living a life committed to loving others well. Some are pressing into new giftings that he's so richly blessed us with. Some of us love to be good people. Some of us are looking for any opportunity to bring God's Kingdom. And some of us haven't taken the unknown step of having Him in your life. And some of us just don't even want to bother. But guess what...God still loves us.  No matter where we are in our walk, God still loves us. He is about connection and relationship. He is a Father with wide open arms no matter the cost or the energy or the effort. God loves the prodigal son/daughter feeling rejected by all the things they've "done wrong." God loves all those beaten down and told so many lies of their self-worth. God loves the child seeking and que...

To my friend whose life has changed since Thanksgiving...hearing your voice speak THAT word... such an ugly word; chemo...cancer. And they both mean the same thing essentially...poison in the body. And yet, might I say, you are NOT changed for the worst. This disease is only that, a disease.  You have NOT let it define you! I will never know a day in your shoes, and nor will I ever pretend to know what your mind, heart, and body have been through. But there are some things you have taught me these past 7 months. You have taught me... there is absolutely NO excuse to not getting my laundry folded...not even the fitted sheets. my excuses for NOT exercising carry no weight...they are just empty words. what humility looks like...accepting and receiving help is not easy - at least I know not for you and me. how smart and clever you are. I knew it before, but the amount of information you keep in your head - even after children and chemo - is astounding. that children are const...

I'm early to my workout class...which is an anomaly in and of itself. Whenever I am there early I find myself feeling inadequate. I'm looking at myself in the large mirrors picking out all the "problem areas".  The room begins to fill with loads of ladies.  All different ages, capabilities, sizes, shapes...but none of that matters.  Most of the women in this class make it a POINT to workout.  They are here almost EVERY week.  The only things that keep them from coming are sickness, vacations, or caring and loving on their family. People talk and share stories from sleepless nights to taking care of grandbabies, to the vacations they were on...and we all meet in the middle. Class begins. and I continue looking at my shape and thinking of how my body "used to be...before kids...before marriage...before college..." and how it's just not good enough. This is a loooooong battle with the enemy right there.  He whispers these insecurities in my ears and m...

Friends are so important to me.  They provide me with the ability to see things clearly.  They love and support me, yada, yada, yada.  I could continue but I think everyone, in a different season of their life, has different aspects that are important to them in a friendship. I know the characteristics I valued as a teenager are most definitely NOT the same as they are now.  I have learned through a lot of friendships, or what I thought were friendships, hard truths of what I value in a friend.  But isn't that one of the points of high school...learning who you are and what you value?  I feel like I've only REALLY been able to reflect on this recently.  I wish I could go back in time and save myself a lot of emotional torment and grief.  However, I think all the emotional hurt was vital to my growth and understanding what I wanted in a friend. In this season of my life, I just don't have a lot of time.  My time is separated and do...

Good night sweet heart, well it's time to go... Good night sweet heart, well it's time to go... I hate to leave you, I really must say, Oh, good night sweetheart, goodnight. Sad emoji face... Such sweet words... I sang this to all my sweet babies after they would fall asleep from a nightly feeding.  Oh how I enjoyed those feedings.  Maybe not the waking up part.  But most definitely the snuggling, and inhaling the sweet smell of that baby. I believe that this time has come to an end... I have been blessed with three beautiful babes and am so thankful for all their different characters and personalities.  But, I always, obviously not realistically, envisioned myself as a Mother of young children. so this is hard, people... We recently switched the nursery, that I so carefully planned, into my 4 yr old daughter's bedroom.  No more nursery.  I always knew that the end of my baby making years would be rough, but I did not expect to be...

Parenting lately has been a little rough.  I have a toddler, who is cuddly, independent, and stubborn, a daughter who can be helpful, and dramatic when she is hangry and tired, and a Kindergartner who is smart, knows it all, impulsive, and thoughtful.  These personalities make for interesting days, and that's not even mentioning my personality traits (which some would say are a little on the "feeling" side).  And in the midst of it all... God is there... he is watching me he is protecting me he is wooing me he is teaching me he is showing me whom to love he is using me he is loving my children he is saving me and thank goodness for all of those things.  With these things he is molding me and my children.  And there is so much comfort knowing that he sees me even at my worst. he is watching me to see how much mercy and grace I will give my children when they spill their "whatever" for the 4th time before 9 am.  He is also watching me to know h...

I was supposed to have surgery today... but God had bigger plans for me.  Bigger plans than I could have ever dreamed. They always say healing happens, and when it happens it is usually not just for physical healing but for some kind of transformation...well, He's been working on more than my wrist. About a year ago I tore cartilage in my wrist...opening salsa...I know, true story.  Who does that ?  Anyway, it became so painful that I went to a doctor and after a few tests decided that surgery was the next step.  The doctor left it up to me as to when I should have surgery...having an 18 month old and surgery don't really mix.  So I waited...talked to God a bit...waited... and the pain increased. I could no longer do a push-up, open a can of beans, garden, clean the house, shake an inhaler for my son, lift my toddler into his car seat, crab-walk across a gym, pretend to be a horse for my kids to ride, sleep through the night without waking in pain...on a...

I've been convicted.  My heart needs a change.  At times, this mothering thing is more difficult than I would have ever thought.  I hate looking back on things and having regrets...and I indeed can think of many times when I have reacted in a way that brings me a feeling of regret.  None of them are some huge, tragic incident that deems this horrific display of parenting.  It's just the day-to-day simple life happenings - which shouldn't get me in such a tizzy - and yet I'm afraid that my children are going to remember me for these reactions instead of a graceful, patient, and merciful mom.  I can be better. I read a blog post on Momastery and she wrote about "Mompetition".  Moms performing and doing amazing things with their child, posting about it on Facebook, and her sarcastically saying that these moms are clearly doing all these things AT HER. Exercising...AT HER, cooking fabulous meals...AT HER...epic birthday parties...AT HER, breast/bottle f...