today was ALMOST the day...

I was supposed to have surgery today...

but God had bigger plans for me.  Bigger plans than I could have ever dreamed.

They always say healing happens, and when it happens it is usually not just for physical healing but for some kind of transformation...well, He's been working on more than my wrist.

About a year ago I tore cartilage in my wrist...opening salsa...I know, true story.  Who does that?  Anyway, it became so painful that I went to a doctor and after a few tests decided that surgery was the next step.  The doctor left it up to me as to when I should have surgery...having an 18 month old and surgery don't really mix.  So I waited...talked to God a bit...waited...

and the pain increased. I could no longer do a push-up, open a can of beans, garden, clean the house, shake an inhaler for my son, lift my toddler into his car seat, crab-walk across a gym, pretend to be a horse for my kids to ride, sleep through the night without waking in pain...on and on the list grew.  All the while my pain level, temper, and mothering skills were stretched thin.  So, it was time to schedule the surgery....and I did...for today...but God had other plans for me.

God has always kept me near, and I believe that I have always tried to follow the Holy Spirit, even without knowing that is what was guiding me.  But for whatever reason, I became a doubting Thomas (so cliche to say).  I believed that the Holy Spirit didn't really move today.  And I'm not really sure where that came from, because my parents certainly believed the Holy Spirit breathed and moved.  Just goes to show how much society's lies can infect you.  Boy was I wrong.   I believe that at the very moment God saw me starting to believe that nonsense, he started to woo me...even more than before.

He showed me how my father was healed...through a breakdown
He showed me how my mother put all her faith in God and truly just trusted in Him to keep her afloat
He allowed my mother to share her story of taking a risk and receiving a word from God (mind you years and years ago, but news to me)
He provided me with a husband whose faith is rooted deep in God and how his love is unwavering for Him
And a yearning for a deeper relationship with Him grew and grew


All of this just revealed to me over the past few months (I'm a slow student...persistent and steady...but slow).


I'm a planner...organizer, what have you, and this verse hit a cords a few weeks ago:

   "The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I can make all the plans I want and the Lord takes those to make them for His glory.  I have free will in Him and yet, he is watching out for me all the time to show me a solid ground.  It's my choice to take those solid steps, but he's there, providing a secure footing for me.

Early April, I began making plans in my head and on paper...plans for meals...plans for kids being shuffled among others...plans for when I am NOT IN CONTROL....AHHHHH!  Then I spoke with a couple friends...and there was lots of praying.  About a week later there was some kind of peace over me.  I put away all my lists, all my preparations and decided that God would provide for me and it would be sufficient...I have great friends and family and everything would be taken care of...

The Lord has been rocking my heart in more ways than one, but my hand healing has to be the most personal way for Him to show me his love.

Then one night I began pondering...where are all these prayers going that I send up and why do I even pray if I don't believe something can be changed in me TODAY?  God doesn't want me to be in pain.  He loves me.  Just as I love my kids, if not a billion times more...my heart aches when they are in pain.  He can do this...HE can do this!

I received one simple prayer from a friend on a Friday (hadn't quite figured out yet that my prayer needs are as important as the next persons or felt comfortable with someone praying over my pain).  Then my son had to go to the hospital for stitches and the weekend was kind of a blur.  But I remember waking up Monday and thinking, "Holy moly! I've slept thru the night without waking up with pain in my wrist...Let's clean and see what happens" because that's a normal response

• So, Monday I clean vigorously, and there is no pain afterward, during but not after
• I wake up Tuesday, go to my fitness class, and decide that I am gonna do a push-up...and ta-da! I did planks, push-ups, lifted weights...all the while having pain while doing the movements, but none as the day passed (before, these all would have left me in pain for the rest of the day, dinner with a side of Ibuprofen)
• Wednesday night I was at church for a series on Identity in Christ.  I send a text to some friends saying, "Pray for me at 8:15" and I have another friend at church pray for my wrist, specifically, multiple times.  Nothing dramatic happens...until...
• Thursday morning I wake and I've now slept 6 days through the night...do you know how long its been since that has happened!?!?!? like...before babies!!!
• Friday morning I wake up, again after a full nights rest, go to my Fitness Class, CRAB WALK, PLANK CLOCKS, AND BEAR CRAWL across the gym floor...AND...THERE...WAS...NO PAIN!  Ever! during, after, the next day...or the next...and to this day there still isn't!  

Even in this healing time I was STILL uncertain about my feelings. Before I decided to claim this healing, these thoughts ran through my head:

Is this really happening to me?  If I say it happened and then the pain returns in a week, what will that make God look like?  People are gonna think I'm crazy!  Do I really cancel my surgery?

It was about a week until I began to feel comfortable in it and then it hit me...

How selfish and rude of me to discount the work of my God, my friend, my Father.  He heals me and then I just question everything he's done and I don't own it?!?!  Where's the Faith in THAT?!?!?! 

How crazy is it that we can so easily believe the lies that Satan feeds us and not accept the TRUTHS that God so CLEARLY presents to us?!?!?!  It makes me realize how much he truly loves me and how he wants me to be in an ongoing relationship with HIM.  He still loves me and pursues me after all my doubting.

The following Monday, I spent some peaceful time with God - so peaceful and very far & few between for me that my son asked me multiple times what I was doing and why I was sitting by myself, all alone-  thanking Him for what he's done for me.  It was not a windy day, but as I continued to pray "I will tell this to whoever asks...please, continue to heal my hand and I will follow you and give you my all...I love you and I'm sorry."  Over and over I said this, and over and over again, after every prayer, a calming drift of air floated over me...no trees leaves moving - I checked, believe me, I checked - just the comfort of the Lord...reassuring me that He hears me and loves me.  So, I canceled my surgery.


How grateful I am for His love.  I seem to be able to pack his power in a small box and over and over again, He proves that my understanding of his love and power is very minute.  He has a much bigger understanding and I should rest in that comfort.

I was reading in Praying Circles Around Your Children the other day and Batterson says, "You don't become a praying parent by default.  You do it by design, by desire, by discipline."  If anything comes of this healing, I pray my kids hear about this and know the healing power of the Holy Spirit and that it lives today.

"Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me." Psalm 30:2

Thank you, Lord for your everlasting love and may I continue to be awed and amazed by your love for me and all of your creation.  I will be sharing my story with many.  God is pursuing you...you just need to look and connect all the dots.

These are the TRUTHS I will tell myself:

I'm not crazy...
God loves me and pursues me..
God hears me and I will make more time for listening to Him...
I will be an example of God's love...
The Holy Spirit is alive and well...

I love this picture from our hiking trip this year. For me, it represents all of us finding our own way to the Lord, and hopefully I will be able to help my children along their walk.