what I wish I knew
I'm early to my workout class...which is an anomaly in and of itself. Whenever I am there early I find myself feeling inadequate. I'm looking at myself in the large mirrors picking out all the "problem areas".
The room begins to fill with loads of ladies. All different ages, capabilities, sizes, shapes...but none of that matters. Most of the women in this class make it a POINT to workout. They are here almost EVERY week. The only things that keep them from coming are sickness, vacations, or caring and loving on their family. People talk and share stories from sleepless nights to taking care of grandbabies, to the vacations they were on...and we all meet in the middle.
Class begins. and I continue looking at my shape and thinking of how my body "used to be...before kids...before marriage...before college..." and how it's just not good enough.
This is a loooooong battle with the enemy right there. He whispers these insecurities in my ears and my old self used to be torn down and trying to "fix" myself to be someone I thought I SHOULD be. But things have changed for me.
In high school I definitely had an eating disorder. I was THIN. Thin enough that my dance teacher pulled me aside to tell me, "I think this is a good weight for you...yeah, I think this shouldn't go any further." That was all he said to me. And against most dance culture stereotypes, this was new to me.
I definitely never ate breakfast...if I ate lunch it was maybe a pbj and a juice, I would pawn off the rest of my lunch...dinner would be half to a quarter of whatever my mom made for dinner (and she is a great cook, so it wasn't the taste). I thought I needed to change. I thought people believed I was too fat to even speak to let alone excel in any area of my life. I excelled at tearing myself apart and then being emotional about all the things that I assumed people thought of me. I was on the high end of the spectrum for emotional teenagers, but I HAD support. I had a family that loved me. I had friends...I had a church. And all of it was not enough. They all played awesome roles in uplifting me, pointing me in the right directions. My mom who would stand in the kitchen and just hug me and let me cry into her arms more days than I can even recollect. My friend Tori, who tirelessly reassured me over and over for 20 plus years that I am beautiful, enough, and a great friend. My husband, then boyfriend, who was proud of me, knew that telling me over and over I was beautiful was only feeding an insecurity (he still tells me I'm beautiful, but because of the history I have with him I know his remarks are genuine because he ONLY speaks truths). Countless friends and youth group counselors giving support.
All of this insecurity is tied up in my foundation in Christ. I had a very rocky, foundation and was not firm in my relationship with Jesus in highschool. I have done more growing in this insecurity the past 3 years than I have my entire life. I believe each step of my foundation was laid by God himself, including my support system. However, I truly believe the ONLY thing that continues to help me "check" myself has been that my relationship with Christ has been solidified these past few years. Insecurities I once felt, wash away faster because I know how to arm myself.
I continue with my class and as I look at my shape compared to all the other shapes in the room, I realize, once again, that I'm a badass. I workout. I look good. I have an awesome shape. And I kill the workout. I workout better than I did in my 20's - and I still have to take care of three other human beings. I've run more miles in my 30's than I did my entire highschool career (hardcore dancing for an hour and a half everyday). I eat healthy and whole, with a little bit of fun. My husband loves me, for 19 years, with varrying sizes and shapes to my figure (he's seen me at my unhealthiest and healthiest). These revelations flash before me, not because anyone said ANYTHING to me but because my identity has done a 180 since highschool. I KNOW that I am a masterpiece made by God and created to do awesome things (Ephs. 2:10). I know I am COMPLETE. I am all I need to be because I have HIM in me (Col. 2:10) I know that I am loved and that I am good at loving others BECAUSE of Jesus (1John 4:16). Plus countless other truths that young Christians need to know.
I am not being arrogant, but arming myself for battle...battle for good. It has taken me lots of time to get to this place. But I am quickening my steps. And when my steps slow down I have solid truths to rely on. Not the inconsistent reaffirmations that I once needed from people. And I'll tell you what, I'm a lot happier than I was in high school.
I am not defined by my shape, size, age, or comments from others, but by what lies within my heart. And my heart is good...because God says so. I am heathy in all the meanings of the word. As long as I continue to press into him.
I am going to do my darnedest to make sure my daughter knows those truths and more.
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