Bookends

I've been a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) for the better part of 8 years. For the sole reason to take care of my babies. To create in them a firm foundation. To be a constant for them.  To be able to serve other mommies while having my own babies. And man have I loved it.  I am a people person and yet a homebody.  I have thoroughly enjoyed having little ones in the house. My wonderful husband has worked so hard to provide for us so that I can stay home. God has provided so abundantly, and for that I am so thankful.

When I was growing up I always imagined my dream job being a SAHM, but when I imagined it, the kids were always little babies! They were never older than 4 - in my dreams.

And guess what...they grow up! And so do I. My youngest turns 4 in a few weeks.

I have decided to go back to work. It is not full-time - in fact it’s super convenient for me - but yet it’s still time. This community is one such that I am blessed to be a part. I am truly excited to begin. But me saying yes to this means my "survival mode" and "baby days" are past me. This saddens me. Not because I am yearning for more babies - because I am fairly certain that Tim and I have decided we are finished - but because this is a new stage...

this marks a new bookend on one shelf of the big bookcase of moments and seasons of life.

Have you ever moved through life and a moment that seems like an instant is suddenly in slow motion capturing glimpses of memories right before your eyes? These moments of pause and stillness with memories flashing before me have streamed across my eyes the past few months.

After filling out the application for this new position between all the "mommy roles" I played throughout the day, I was tucking Carolyn into bed and she said something sweet to me that I of course cannot remember. I turned to walk out of the room and close her door as I have done for each evening of her beautiful days (which also happens to be the door of the used to be nursery).  As I turned the knob remembering how I used to have to turn it so carefully as to not wake a baby, memories flashed over me.

All the questions I answered were running in the back of my mind and I asked myself: Am I proud of my occupation for these last 8 years? And tears - just tears of maybe I should have done this differently, and tears of maybe I could have handled that better or maybe I shouldn't have harped on him so much, or maybe I should have entered the workforce earlier...

All of these statements of self doubts and what ifs...

I truly believe this is where the enemy comes to create a stronghold.  The enemy comes to moms in such a vulnerable place - he attacks our motherhood. He comes to steal what is our beautiful God given privilege to be the mother of the babies you have - be they big or not, be they biological or not - but to question every single decision we have made.  And you know what - God gently leads me back to how he has abundantly provided. He shows me my sure footing and sets me back on my solid, firm foundation. When I come back to him and ask what he has for me in this he reveals these beautiful moments:

I was folding laundry and the memories of how each one of the kids would roll around in the sheets at the end of my bed that needed folding, the giggles and also the heart to serve their mommy and help fold the laundry.

My kids have also begun to ask me to show them "old videos of when they were shorter" (in Ben's words).  And in the videos I hear the laughter and the fun we've had.

Facebook has popped up with some wonderful memories I have fostered with the kids - all the adventures and slow pj mornings.

I am also reminded of the hard times because staying home is not for the faint of heart...the constant discipline that happens...the safety precautions...the moments when I had to be patient and let the 2 year old have the tantrum and not me...the moments that were not my finest, but the redemption that has come from them

And I am reminded that I have been the best mommy for Luke, Carolyn & Ben - and IT'S NOT OVER! I still get to make more memories and see other firsts - it's just different.

Staying home with these babies has brought me such opportunity.

• I have written a curriculum for one of our clasrooms at the church I attend
• realized I enjoy writing
• poured into each one of these little's lives - and I'm not stopping
• Master some cooking skillz 
• serving others with my cooking
• lead a ladies group
• been able to do all the volunteer things I could ever imagine...

Some of these add up to the same amount of time my new position will be taking. So in saying yes to teaching, I am saying no to some other things. And yet I still get to be a mommy - through it all. And no one can take that away. 

It is amazing when God asks us to step into something how he sets it up. I can look back and see the fruit that he has produced from these 8 years of staying home...and to see that fruit I am so thankful and refreshed that whatever new he sets up he will also provide abundantly.

My very wise mommyfriend, Emily, said, "I don't think we are always ready for God's abundance," and man there is truth in that.  When I feel that I have stretched every ligament that can be stretched, he makes them calm and relaxed and provides abundantly.  So I am sad, but in a healthy grieving kind of way.  If that makes any sense.

So, on to the next bookshelf!

...Jesus said to Peter "Now row out to deep water to cast your nets and you will have a great catch."



Luke 5:4