what's in respect

I still have a lot to learn about love.  I've put in a lot of years with the same man - 19 to be exact - and yet, we still learn new things everyday.  We are not the same couple from high school (definitely not in appearance) nor the same from the first year of our marriage.  Some things haven't changed: we still have loads of fun, we still bicker, we are still each others best friends, we are both pursuing the Lord, he is still faster than me (some things you just learn to embrace).  But other things are different: we communicate better, we build each other up, we drop the small things, we prioritize for each other, we are better lovers, we have better boundaries to keep our relationship a top priority, we are teammates, and the BEST one is we are better at respecting each other.  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times we have thrown each other under the bus.  There are times when we are arguing in front of others and neither one of us is being respectful of the other.  However, we stop the bickering faster and we have more grace for each other.  And the times of dishonor has decreased significantly...a tally is no longer kept.

At the beginning of our relationship I had a very selfish version of love and happiness.  My version included a lot of things I believe the world was teaching me: "he's not making ME happy" or "why should I love him if he can't even bring me flowers?" or "Why can't we talk on the phone for hours?" or "I'm not going to be the first to say sorry."  A lot of those thoughts are focused on the ME and not the US.  The US includes, me, Tim and God.  The me only focuses on myself.  If I want a life-giving, respectful marriage don't I need to consider the other two perspectives?

A question that challenges me daily is, "What are today's wife/husband roles that honor God, and each other?"

Both sets of our parents have certainly been through rough times in their marriage.  But I think it is important to note that they both have had God at the basis of their relationships.  God at the center is key.

I think for men, today, it is hard to navigate how to be the leader in the family.  They are confused by the signals that society puts on them.  Should I make all the decisions?  Should I let her make all the decisions?  If I don't am I considered sexist? A man can be the head of the family and still be respectful and honoring of his wife's opinions, strengths, and gifts. I think for a woman, it is also confusing.  Why can't I make the decisions?  He needs to know I'm in charge! Society tells me to be independent, maybe I should make ME happy?  And round and round the battle for power goes.  Marriage is an equal partnership yet, there are two people that bring different strengths to the table.  So, from a honoring place what should our attitudes be towards each other?  Let's see what Paul has to say about husbands and wives. 

Ephesians 5:23-33New Living Translation (NLT)

²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
²⁵ For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her ²⁶ to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.^{[a] 27} He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. ²⁹ No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. ³⁰ And we are members of his body.
³¹ As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”^{[b] 32} This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. ³³ So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Yeah, I think in most modern day marriages this passage is key.  Paul clearly states that the husband is the head.  This doesn't mean that I am any lesser than Tim.  It just means he has this as part of his calling and identity in his life.  It doesn't mean that he is permitted to treat me poorly and disrespect me.  Quite the contrary.  Paul clearly mentions loving your wife enough to die for her.  Doesn't it seem that respect goes hand in hand with loving?  How can you love someone without respecting them?   And, it seems to me that husbands have a lot more explanation of how well they should care for their wives.  Wives simply need to respect them.

We are calling all types of men to step up and be the role models they should be.  If we are calling men to be the leaders they should be, then we need to let them lead.  And like all good leaders, they should in turn listen to those they are leading.  Tim doesn't make any major life-changing decisions without discussing it with me.  It's always, "What are we going to do?," not "what am I going to do?"  He values my opinion and takes time to pray over it.  From what Paul says, a man has a very large responsibility in loving his family as Christ loved the church.  So, Tim seeks counsel from me on big decisions.  Which shirt to wear, not so much...where we send our kids to school, you betcha.  But in the end someone has to make the call.  After everything has been laid on the table, a decision needs to be made.

I think it takes a strong woman to bite her tongue, pray about a problem and then discuss with her husband.  Instead of "proving him wrong" and "showing him who's boss" and "making him look a fool," it takes great integrity and wisdom to preserve your husbands pride.  To let the little things lie and to let things work out for themselves.  I know there are times when I am in public and I'll begin to tell a story and immediately wish I hadn't because it's not honoring to Tim.  I have been trying to stop myself before I start talking about something that isn't honoring, but sometimes it is hard...because I like to talk...and before I know it I've said something rude.  Tim has mentioned many times being out with other men and they speak so poorly of their wives.  Even if we are in disagreement, Tim would never go and speak poorly about me behind my back, or even to my face for that matter.  I'm thankful for a man that speaks highly of me.  It is so very hard to submit and let someone else lead (especially someone with control issues, like myself), and yet when I do, things seem to work out the best.  Tim has led us through some very hard decisions as a couple, but all through prayer.  I am thankful he had to make those hard decisions, and that I was able to be there to support him.  I believe that women should have equal opportunity in all endeavors, have strong opinions, exercise their rights and educate themselves to the highest capacity.  But in the matter of the family, it should be a team effort and NOT a "he/she is higher/better than me" or "I get more done than he/she does" kind of battle.

I am hoping that in many years, my children can look back on our years and see our marriage as a good example of how you should love each other.  These are the specific things I will be praying for my children's future spouse and their relationship:

• That they have large ears to listen to their spouse and an open heart for understanding (James 1:9)
• that they find someone willing to apologize just for the sake of coming back together - figure out the problem after apologies have been made.
• that forgiveness comes quickly so that love can prosper (Proverbs 17:9)
• that Carolyn find someone willing to love her just as Christ loves us, values her, and considers her opinion on all decisions (Eph. 5:25)
• That the boys treat their wives with love and respect and listen to their wives concerns and consider them in all decisions.  (Eph 5:23-33)
• That they find someone who is honest and they be honest with their spouse so that joy can overflow from their household (Ps. 32:1-2)
• That they find someone that only draws them closer to God and encourages growth in their walk.
• that they laugh abundantly (Ps.126:2) 
• that they have the opportunity to develop wonderful relationships with other strong faith-based couples, and see the importance of guy time & girl time

We still have a lot to learn.  I'm sure we will have ample opportunity to continue to be an example to our children of Christ's love. I'm in continual prayer for our relationship and that it surpasses my expectations.  These are things that work for us.  Every relationship is different, but I do believe God at the center and loads of prayer can do more than most things...and it's a good place to start.

For those that are having a hard time in your marriage, I say you step back, put God at the center, begin to pray for your marriage, and REALLY serve your spouse.  Not in the 1950's housewife kind of way, but in the way you would show Christ's love. I pray fresh eyes for your relationships and that you go back to a time of "dating" each other.  I also pray you seek Godly counsel.

This is my new favorite song by Andy Grammer...it makes me want to go on dates with Tim, excites me to see him again, dance with him, etc.  After so many years things can become mundane and routine.  It's a great reminder to see him through "Fresh Eyes" not with years of a scoreboard of rights and wrongs.

I got these fresh eyes, never seen you before like this
My God, you're beautiful
It's like the first time when we open the door
Before we got used to usual
It might seem superficial, stereotypical, man
You dress up just a little and I'm like, "Ohhh, damn"
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine
Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine, yeah
And now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
Appreciation, well, it comes and it goes
But I, I'll ride that wave with you
It's human nature to miss what's under your nose
'Til you, 'til you remind a fool
Maybe all of this is simple
My heart's unconditional, yeah
You dress up just a little and I'm like, "Ohhh, damn"
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine
Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine, yeah
And now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
If I could bottle this up, bottle, bottle this up, I would
I would bottle this up, bottle, bottle this up, I would
Cause you're gorgeous in this moment
If I could bottle this up, I would
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine
Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes
So suddenly I'm in love with a stranger
I can't believe she's mine, yeah
And now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes

Note: I have not mentioned, not ONCE that it is okay for either spouse to be a doormat to be walked on or to be abused.  If you are either one of those, please, find a safe place and seek Godly counsel on next steps.  I also pray that the other spouse's heart be softened.