Boundaries
What are these things, boundaries, that people speak of? Sometimes the word seems so foreign and almost disrespectful when uttered. However, boundaries can be so freeing and can help you take ownership of your life, thus making you happy. I really enjoy helping and doing things for others. I would classify myself as an Extrovert. I enjoy being with people and doing new things. Sometimes though, I let this get in the way of my close relationships. My husband is an Introvert and is really good about drawing boundaries. I, on the other hand, do not. I think we are a good match though, because I push him to do things he may not otherwise, and he helps reign me in when I over-commit our schedule. Over the years, Tim has helped me realize that boundaries are OK and good for us. It doesn't seem natural to me, but explanations of why we are not volunteering or attending a gathering is not needed. When I apologize and explain why we are not committing, it almost sounds as if I am apologizing for not being able to do something and fishing for validation of why I am not able to commit. I do this A LOT. Once again my people pleasing gets the best of me. I think it all stems back from my younger years. My family went to just about any function that we were invited to, and were always BUSY. We had a big family so just hanging with the family was hanging with at least 20-30 people. Busy schedules don't bother me, but that's just me.
At many points in my relationship with Tim, this is where Satan believes he can make a stronghold over me. How thankful I am for a God that gave me a husband who is good at communicating. Most recently this scenario played out:
We had a fairly full weekend planned, and this was probably the 4th weekend in a row that our schedules were busy. I was bracing myself for a verbal war as I was mentioning our weekend agenda to Tim. I could just immediately see his demeanor change. Instead of enjoying our family time he looked stressed. I of course start this mantra in my head:
"Why can't he just deal with it? Why can't he just go with the flow? What's his problem? He should just suck it up and deal with it! Other people we know have way more going on and they are able to make it to all these commitments! What is his deal? Why can't he be more easygoing?"
There you go, selfishness, front and center, trying to attack my marriage. Instead of God being in the middle of the marriage I was placing selfish, greedy behavior. I know a lot of people say, "You should do what makes you happy." That's all well and good, but that's not what marriage is about. Marriage is about loving this other person no matter their faults and leaning on God during the hard times to help guide you through. God wants us to be happy, but not selfishly. That's certainly not what he meant when he said to "Love one another." Ultimate, unconditional love is shown through unselfish acts. So, before Tim had said anything, I was already on the defense. Being selfish. When I say these things to myself, I am not thinking about the man I married. Many of the reasons I married Tim are due to his introvert personality. I am asking him to change and that's not fair. I married the man he is and was and should not expect him to change.
I won't go through exactly what was said, because I honestly don't remember because I was so full of myself at that point. But, I do remember that it wasn't pretty. I remember I started praying (all wrong I might add), "God, why can't you make him more agreeable? Why can't I just be allowed to go to this one thing and why doesn't he want to spend time with me?" And then WHOOSH, it was like a wave hit me; stopped me dead in my tracks. As clear as day God reminded me that I needed to be the one whose heart should change. That I should really open my heart and listen to what Tim had to say. That I make so many allowances for others, hear them, want to please them, why shouldn't I do the same for Tim - the person I should be the most forgiving to. God reminded me how blessed I am to have a husband that can tell me his limits and he wasn't telling me to cancel EVERYTHING and wasn't telling me he didn't want to spend time with me. In fact he said, "I Want to spend time with you and the kids at home," which is far from alone time. He was opening his heart to me and I should welcome it. A compromise needed to be made. We still went to two of the three commitments, but omitted one, which I think is very fair.
I'm still working on it, but I'm trying harder to hear Tim when he lets me know his boundaries and I'm trying to be alright with telling others we can't attend something. I'm trying not to take it so personally when I cancel our plans because that's what my family needs. Because in the end the most earthly relationship I should be investing in is my husbands. I'm thankful that Tim loves me through my faults and that God gave me a man that is passionate about his family time and letting me know his limits before he pulls farther away from me. I'm also thankful for a God that listens and answers prayers...and also keeps me in check :/
"11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life....27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. "
Proverbs 31: 11-12, 27-30
At many points in my relationship with Tim, this is where Satan believes he can make a stronghold over me. How thankful I am for a God that gave me a husband who is good at communicating. Most recently this scenario played out:
We had a fairly full weekend planned, and this was probably the 4th weekend in a row that our schedules were busy. I was bracing myself for a verbal war as I was mentioning our weekend agenda to Tim. I could just immediately see his demeanor change. Instead of enjoying our family time he looked stressed. I of course start this mantra in my head:
"Why can't he just deal with it? Why can't he just go with the flow? What's his problem? He should just suck it up and deal with it! Other people we know have way more going on and they are able to make it to all these commitments! What is his deal? Why can't he be more easygoing?"
There you go, selfishness, front and center, trying to attack my marriage. Instead of God being in the middle of the marriage I was placing selfish, greedy behavior. I know a lot of people say, "You should do what makes you happy." That's all well and good, but that's not what marriage is about. Marriage is about loving this other person no matter their faults and leaning on God during the hard times to help guide you through. God wants us to be happy, but not selfishly. That's certainly not what he meant when he said to "Love one another." Ultimate, unconditional love is shown through unselfish acts. So, before Tim had said anything, I was already on the defense. Being selfish. When I say these things to myself, I am not thinking about the man I married. Many of the reasons I married Tim are due to his introvert personality. I am asking him to change and that's not fair. I married the man he is and was and should not expect him to change.
I won't go through exactly what was said, because I honestly don't remember because I was so full of myself at that point. But, I do remember that it wasn't pretty. I remember I started praying (all wrong I might add), "God, why can't you make him more agreeable? Why can't I just be allowed to go to this one thing and why doesn't he want to spend time with me?" And then WHOOSH, it was like a wave hit me; stopped me dead in my tracks. As clear as day God reminded me that I needed to be the one whose heart should change. That I should really open my heart and listen to what Tim had to say. That I make so many allowances for others, hear them, want to please them, why shouldn't I do the same for Tim - the person I should be the most forgiving to. God reminded me how blessed I am to have a husband that can tell me his limits and he wasn't telling me to cancel EVERYTHING and wasn't telling me he didn't want to spend time with me. In fact he said, "I Want to spend time with you and the kids at home," which is far from alone time. He was opening his heart to me and I should welcome it. A compromise needed to be made. We still went to two of the three commitments, but omitted one, which I think is very fair.
I'm still working on it, but I'm trying harder to hear Tim when he lets me know his boundaries and I'm trying to be alright with telling others we can't attend something. I'm trying not to take it so personally when I cancel our plans because that's what my family needs. Because in the end the most earthly relationship I should be investing in is my husbands. I'm thankful that Tim loves me through my faults and that God gave me a man that is passionate about his family time and letting me know his limits before he pulls farther away from me. I'm also thankful for a God that listens and answers prayers...and also keeps me in check :/
"11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life....27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. "
Proverbs 31: 11-12, 27-30
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