Unsettled with Disconnection

“If your fellow believer sins against you, you must go to that one privately and attempt to resolve the matter. If he responds, your relationship is restored. “Receive this truth: Whatever you forbid on earth will be considered to be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you release on earth will be considered to be released in heaven. Again, I give you an eternal truth: If two of you agree to ask God for something in a symphony of prayer, my heavenly Father will do it for you. For wherever two or three come together in honor of my name, I am right there with them!”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18‬:‭15‬, ‭18‬-‭20‬ ‭TPT‬‬

You walk into your house and you see the couch on fire. You decide, I’ll put that out later and move on because…

I need to finish up work or

the kids have practice or 

you need to get groceries or  

you’re replacing the garbage disposal or 

fixing the fence, etc. 

That scenario sounds crazy, right? This example above is one from Danny Silk, author of Keep Your Love On, and relationship counselor. The couch illustrates conflict in relationship…any relationship.  It’s easier in the moment to ignore the burning couch. Inevitably, the fire will surely spread to more areas causing chaos and eventually destruction of the entire household. The damages from the fire, grow in severity the longer we are inattentive to resolving them. Repairs don’t magically happen over night - especially when left alone.

Why isn’t healthy conflict resolution taught in a broader audience? We’ve been taught to believe that conflict is bad. That it’s in fact a sign that your relationship is crumbling. When in actuality, conflict is an indicator that you care about the relationship. Conflict resolution isn’t a practice that is widely taught. The word conflict in and of itself brings negative connotations because it means something is wrong. And if there is something wrong, there is likely something wrong with me. Too many of us operate in the everything is fine category, escaping vulnerability until disconnection is the result. Instead of repair, or connection, disconnection is easier in the short term. The act of resolution takes active work! Healthy resolution and restoration says “I care for this other person enough to work on us,” not “this person brings too much drama to my life so I’ll just retreat and act like nothing ever happened.” We need people in our community who are gonna love us even when we fight. We need people who tells us the hard to hear parts. There are plenty of people being fake - we need real community.

Every relationship doesn’t hold this safe space, but shouldn’t the ones closest to you? When we settle for disconnection we ultimately aren’t being vulnerable. Vulnerability allows for healing and probably space to process pain. But when we focus on the mindset of processing the “hard to tackle” in order for us to reconnect, we come out stronger on the other side. Jesus asks us for vulnerability, and when we are intimate enough and vulnerable enough with him, we give him permission to see all the sides. The awesome thing about Jesus is, he definitely won’t leave you in your vulnerability. He won’t leave you when you are having a hard time being vulnerable with a friend. If Jesus models loving us enough to work in our hurt shouldn’t we also stay and work with others? The easiest thing to do is to leave or ignore. Until one day, you have jumped to and fro in so many relationships, no one can trust you and you’ve lost your community. Sticking around through the disconnection, waiting for the repair, might be one of the yuckiest feelings we can experience. And yet, the moments where we stick around and wait to see how we can attend to the burning couch, knowing the other person is as invested as you are in putting out the fire, might be at the complete opposite end of the yucky spectrum. Stick it out friends, husbands, wives, parents, stick it out for the sake of each other. Jesus won’t let you attend to the couch alone. In fact, in the passage above, he says, “Whatever you forbid on earth will be considered to be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you release on earth will be considered to be released in heaven. Again, I give you an eternal truth: If two of you agree to ask God for something in a symphony of prayer, my heavenly Father will do it for you. For wherever two or three come together in honor of my name, I am right there with them!” So when we pray and ask for restoration TOGETHER he will do it! When we share with someone a fear or a lie or an insecurity, we are setting freedom here on earth and in Heaven. Don’t be the one that flees - be the one that stays and says, “this is painful, I feel…I need… but I’m here and ready to work on us because I care about us.” I’m not talking here about abusive relationships - those need the help and guidance of counselors, therapists, and pastors. Jesus even gives us measures to take when conflict doesn’t reach restoration. Marriages, friendships, parenting, the healthy relationships can also easily slip into a space where we don’t want to “put out the fire.” When the truth is, the couch was already on fire. We just have to decide if we are gonna work together to put it out or ignore it. 

Who is someone God’s been nudging you to resolve an issue? 

What do you need to get to a point where you can come with the most generous interpretation and begin the resolve? 

Who is someone that can hold a space for you for healthy confession?