He Pulls Me Closer

In church we have been going through a series titled "Emotional by Design." Knowing I am emotional is not a mystery to most of you. However, if for some reason this is the first time you've stumbled upon my writings, this is something that is integral to the understanding of my mind.  Writing about how emotional I am, or why it is a good thing and not a bad thing or how God has wired me, is not for this post. But, I did want to give you backstory of where something came to mind.

During one of the services my pastor was discussing healthy emotions and unhealthy emotions. I went back to thinking of a time when my emotions, thoughts, and every part of my being were unhealthy. My heart immediately rushed out to the years of my adolescence. The actual feelings of loneliness, depression, comparison, and insecurity flooded my body with physical reactions. Isn't that amazing that the memory of a feeling has the ability to bring you back in to a crippling state of anxiety and stalemate your forward momentum? It's paralyzing. The lump in my throat that travels so far down it then curbs any desire to eat. The smiles that are forced. The thoughts and over annalyzing of EVERY word spoken and not spoken. The pain in my chest that attaches to the rhythm of my heart which proceeds to my equilibrium and makes me dizzy. There are not many things in this world I hate but those feelings rank high on the list.

I began to think tangibly of What in the world pulled me out of that thickness of anxiety? Because I no longer feel those emotions day to day or even week to week. When I do feel them I recognize they are not of me and I come out of it. I don't remember receiving any therapy or anyone vitally doing anything pertinent. And it wasn't just ONE DAY of feeling bad and then all of a sudden feeling better. This shift in going from emotionally disabled to emotionally healthy has taken years and I believe I am still on the road to complete mind renewal. All that I can attribute it to is the hope that was restored in my heart.

I feel like I am to share this with the mom or dad that has a teenager in this same place and doesn't know what to do. To the person that has a daily battle with mental health hurdles. To my friends wrestling silently. I feel like God recalled this in my heart to share and encourage you.

Today, this is what God brought back to my mind. Here is where I'll share with you a moment, where I believe God saw me in my hurt. The hurt was not void because He was there. This moment is not a new moment, but a recurring rescue and assurance of his steadfast love. In my teens, if you looked at me, all you would have seen would be smiles and success. When in fact inside I was slipping away. It was then that Jesus took my hand and lead me through. The only person that may have known would have been my mother and very close friends. It was after this they began to see a shift in my being. As I said it still took years and is continual, but because of God's persistence in loving me, I know I was always found and it is NOW that I see.

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Looking down at my hands darkness is all I can see. The air and atmosphere around me darker than any cave I have traveled. I am blinded by the absence of light. I reach my hands down to my sides and realize I'm sitting on a boat. The steel of the seat leaving imprints on my legs and the droplets of water from rowing on my own sloshing beneath my feet wrinkling my toes. 

The water is still. Still enough that any fool would think they could walk on it. The water as still and cool as my emotions SHOULD be as not to disrupt waters around me. To keep others aloof of my inner turmoil of ridiculous, outrageous perceptions. I bring my eyes up and see nothing. My boat begins to waver and I begin to panic searching for my paddle. Only now, far in the distance a slim glimmer of light shines through a fog. Not enough to light my way but to make me hopeful of something uncertain in its dependability, but hopeful nonetheless.

In my frantic search I find no paddle. Taking my fingers and sliding them from my sides to reach the edges of my boat to find my perimeter. They follow the fine rim of my vessel inching their way around to what seems like the front of the boat. With my arms and hands outstretched in front of me and laden on the outskirts of my boat, my fingers that had been searching for safety fall in desperation and defeat as all they have found is each other. I hang my head low. The last tear that could possibly be mustered from the ducts that once flowed freely falls to my cheek and once again I find no hope. Only an endless circle of tiredness from the continual loop that is anxiety.

I lift my head and realize my hands have found something i had not noticed before. It's rough, entwined within itself, strong and securely attached to my boat. As I reach for more of it it tightens it's tether and I realize that it is a rope. Someone on the other end of the rope is pulling it and I begin to flow freely without effort closer to the glimmer of light. And now though I could paddle on my own I let whatever it was take over and whisk me away into the comfort of the sunbeams. The beams that filled every pore of my skin down deep in to my soul.

I did nothing. In all my paddling I got nowhere. In my panic and state of control all I see is darkness. But when I reached out to find help, when it seemed as if there was none to give, I realized that my help has always been there. It wasn't until I reached out in desperation that it was found. The rope had gone slack but once touched it gained momentum and pulled me in to safety.

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There are times when I still feel as if I need to paddle and cannot find what I need. My emotions can drown me or i can release them to the feet of my savior. When those moments occur I remember the moment I found the rope. I reach out and he tows me in to know his heart and feel the comfort of his safety. 

During service the worship team also played “Closer” by Steffany Gretzinger and here are some of the lyrics. 

Your love has ravished my heart
And taken me over
Taken me over
And all I want is to be
With You forever
With You forever
So pull me a little closer
Take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
'Cause Your love is so much sweeter
Than anything I've tasted
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
Oh, oh How great is Your love for me
Oh, oh How great is Your love
Oh, oh
You can love me more in a moment
Than other lovers could in a lifetime

It was in the worship of this song this vision was recalled. I believe God is calling you and I to trust in his faithfulness. That God is always present and Jesus tows us in to Him. He brings us to safety when we feel at our weakest. Let him pull you closer and know his heart.