Seeing the Doc During COVID is...Awkward

I'm not sure how you feel about the doc...any doc. I love them. they provide me with reassurance, listen to my worries and concerns, and generally are doing their best and have my best interest at heart. My doctors are also real.  As in they know how I feel about things, that I outwardly process new information, and that I am sarcastic. They raise concern when warranted and proceed as I would like.

Buuuuuuuuuut...there is just never something that prepares me for what can/should/would happen while I am in the office.

Now, most of my visits are routine and pass by without anything ridiculous happening. And for most people this is the case.  Mostly life is routine and boring. However, I feel there are some things that get honorable mention. And those things are thus follows.

Something happens to my sensibility every time I walk through the doors.  My capabilities of making any decisions and remembering important information/facts flies out the door that just opened and I begin reading all the signs/notices (COVID has made this increasingly hilarious). I have to "schedule" time for me to read all the signs, notices, like I'm walking through a museum and unable to move ahead until I've "READ THEM ALL" because I certainly cannot read them out of sequence. Then the thought process begins.

Also - walking into an OB/GYN office nowhere near pregnant is not near as exciting as showing up to the same said office as you once did. You used to have a frequent shoppers card and now it's like they don't know you and have canceled your account.  You're about to have to re-register your account...I hope you brought all the right documents.

Me: (where should I stand, should I touch anything, am I allowed? why is it so quiet? She sees me but isn't saying anything to me...should I speak up from behind my mask?) HEE-EE-EEE-LLLLLOOOOO.?!?! (I say with a crackled, muffled, voice - a voice so mumbled I'd probably give my children words about not speaking loud enough for people to hear.)

Receptionist: she breaks no concentration - because obviously she didn't hear me.

I wait in solace...

Eventually she asks me all the questions and I feel like I'm being interrogated and have to provide a thesis for my answers. I buckle under the pressure and comply with it all.

I sit down and wait. And then the receptionist basically yells - I'm sure she didn't but I feel like she did - from behind the counter and plexiglass...

Receptionist: EXCUSE me, ma'am.  You need to go down the hall and leave a urine sample.

Crap! Why did I go to the bathroom before I left. OK, so that's always fun...

Me: Where is the bathroom again?

Receptionist: Down the hall and sixth door on the right.

I begin walking, enter the first door, definitely NOT the bathroom, definitely an exam room. Refresh my old lady brain ***sixth door on the left.

Made it to the bathroom. Instructions provided for urine sample. I take care of business, only now where in the world do I put the cup so I can handle my clothes? Oh, on that table allllllll the way over across the room. Sure let me just shimmy...whew. Cup lands safely, but also so many others too which completely grosses me out! I place the cup in the cute metal cabinet, wash my hands again and get outta dodge.

Doctor's assistant (so friendly...I do love her): Ok, we just need to weigh you and take your blood pressure.

Me: Sure no problem. I slip my shoes off (like that's going to help my numbers). Make small talk as she records all the info. Now off to my holding cell.

Doctor's Assistant: just undress from pants down, unhook your bra, and here is a "blanket" for covering. She'll be right in with you.

Now with COVID, again this feels all kinds of awkward...I now have a mask on, my bra unhooked, and I'm half undressed.  Hmmmm...but I will comply. This is a different layer of awkward that I have never experienced in my life. I do as she requests as fast as possible for fear someone might accidentally be on time and open the door on me.

And now I feel unseen.  I need to write to the manufacturers of the medical paper companies that make these so called "blankets" that provide ZERO coverage for me. Where are the "I've had a few babies and I like big butts and I cannot lie" blankets because I really need one of those. I sit down, place the blanket like a Hawaiian skirt - only open to the side that faces NOT the door. The companies need to be woke to my needs.

Also, I need a side table. I need to bring a book to read while I wait for you (even though it's not long). Because waiting provides me with too much "brain space" and my mind begins racing and going to places like, "I hope Karen wasn't mad at me...I didn't hug him before I left he probably hates me...I really need to be more intentional and schedule a bazillion gatherings, but with not too many people...maybe I should grab one of those pamphlets that talks about 'the perfect breast exam'...why am I so awkward" kind of head space.

Knock, knock...

Doc comes in. Asks if I have any concerns.

Me: no, just here for my yearly - which I missed last year - except I wanted your opinion on night sweats. I have been experiencing them more frequently. Or at least my friend brought it to my attention that I am.

Doc: Ok, yeah so most women your age experience them towards the end of the cycle. Do you notice when about during your cycle you are experiencing them; are you keeping track?

Me: that never occurred to me. I just wake up and the bed is semi soaked and I might need to take a shower (and we all know how much I love that), and think that's disgusting. Basically I'm changing the sheets more frequently than I'd like.

Doc: Yeah, So maybe keep track of that and notice if you are experiencing them more than that because you could be pre-menopausal (WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY! I JUST FINISHED HAVING THE BABIES! I STILL HAVE MY FREQUENT SHOPPERS CARD!) Nothing serious, but just something to keep track of. Also, some people say that if you eat a lot of carbs or drink a lot of wine before bed that can also cause night sweats.

Me: so basically you are telling me to drink my wine in the morning...

Doc: (laughs a bit and probably thinks I am nuts, but knows I am being sarcastic) I don't recommend that, but do what you gotta do.

Me: (I feel the need to explain myself) I mean I only have you know one to two glasses...I mean I don't drink very much. Really and I am active, even though those numbers she wrote down might say otherwise.

Doc...

Doc: ok, so any other concerns?

Me: nope

We proceed to make witty banter back and forth as she examines me. And then she says the normal "OK! You look great. See ya next year."

I handle my business, get dressed, and walk out like I never shoulda been there in the first place.

All this to say...I love my docs and their staff. They are the best for me and helped me deliver three beautiful babies with wonderful experiences. I am so thankful for their knowledge and forethought. And that they continue to see me as a crazy lady patient. Thank you all the lady doctors...I love you so much. This is just...insight for those of you still reading.