Peaceful thinking, reading, writing, etc.
Struggles are real around here people. Struggles to make it through the days. Battles fought in the mind of identity, comparisons, and self worth. And this has been a struggle since I was little. However, my story never ends in defeat. The story always ends in victory. I know for some of us the battle is long, hard, and never seems to leave and for you...I am wholeheartedly praying. Praying for peace to break in and take hold. Because every time it does the battle has less casualties. I have come a long way, and ground is being taken and restored, but it has been a journey. I wanted to write about this to encourage anyone struggling with reading, writing, and comprehending.
As a child, I was a struggling reader. I could read and decode the words on the page, but by the time I did, I had no idea what I had actually read. I would read, and reread, but not understand anything a text was saying. All the more, I hated writing and thought very little of anything I could produce. I hated reading and yet had such a desire to be caught up in a book. My family members were all very smart and would read books vigorously! I could read the words and finish books and not be able to tell you ONE thing that happened. And forget memorizing...that was a for sure fail. All through elementary I struggled. My work ethic was impeccable but that had little to do with the tools I needed to excel. When it came to tests, - multiple choice tests specifically, or my goodness the dreaded true-false tests - I would implode. My oldest sister might have been a stepping stone to the victory. She found a series for me that was so captivating I couldn't put it down. I realized it wasn’t my desire for reading that was the problem, but something greater. Come high school, my mother knew my internal struggle and signed me up for Sylvan tutoring. Even though I was ashamed and immediately thought lesser of myself for even NEEDING this, I learned so much while there. Tools for asking good questions, and confidence to do so. As I went through college to become a teacher, I took so many classes on phonics, literacy, and teaching children HOW to read. I ended up self-diagnosing myself with a type of dyslexia. Now as an adult, I still struggle on the daily. I read and have to reread sometimes. I take notes, I reread the notes, I make connections to other notes, I ask questions - as weird as they may sound - I gain context of what I am reading so I can better understand a text, and on and on my tools have been given.
And now...
Now, I LOVE to read, I LOVE to write and in fact I think it's a divine intervention for my destiny and path that God has laid before me. Reading for information will probably take me twice as long as someone else to read and comprehend, but I can do it! The anxiety still wells up in me when I'm in a group of people and I need to read something and then also add to the conversation with some sort of intelligent comment. I YEARN to read for information and new things to learn, but I need time.
Reading the Bible for me might have been one of the biggest hurdles in my walk with the Lord. I would sit and read and have COMPLETELY not a clue as to what was being said...in one verse. At the beginning of my relationship with him I felt like I needed to STUDY and know so much. I don't think that was a bad yearning, but I soon felt depleted, overwhelmed, and stupid once more.
I wanted to read his word and CONNECT with him like so many others had rejoiced about. So, I went back to basics and instead of trying to find the answers in a book, first I prayed. I prayed for him to talk to me, for the words to make sense, and for the words to be knit down deep into my soul. I also continued with all the tools I had learned through my years, the biggest tool...writing. Just writing my thoughts. As I began this way, more was revealed to me than ever before. Now the line of success that I so desperately wanted to cross of not being able to understand his words is so vague in my memory. Now, I submit to him all my knowledge and almost empty my thoughts and mind before reading. When I give him space to do his work, his heart is revealed and truths are knit deep down in my heart. Things I never would have understood before. God reveals his heart to me as he speaks and I write. And the words I read from his word bring more understanding and comprehension to my mind than any answer I could possibly find in any other book.
Interestingly enough my love language is words...Ha! I thrive on peoples words to me and words to people. And I believe the enemy enjoys nothing else but taking the tools God has provided me and capturing them with lies. The enemy can quickly whisper thoughts about my words and my inner desire to hear from people and make it sound “high maintenance” and "needy." Surrounding myself with people that keep me in check and encourage me in truth at the same time is one of my tools. People that know me is where I check my "neediness" and they fully support me and continue to remind me of my identity in Christ and that I have words that are powerful and a submissive heart. I will NOT let the enemy take something from me that God created so good. First of all, because God is more powerful and second of all, because I stand in authority in my identity in Christ.
If you or a child of yours is going through this same struggle, I pray for you. I pray for boundaries and walls of confusion to be broken. For confidence to be built up and a mighty force of creativity to be birthed. I would love to talk with you, pray with, and support you in any way. Because the peace of knowing WHO God has created you to be and walking in his fullness brings such joy to us and to him. Whatever you feel a longing to press into, just start, go back to basics, and see where it takes you.
As a child, I was a struggling reader. I could read and decode the words on the page, but by the time I did, I had no idea what I had actually read. I would read, and reread, but not understand anything a text was saying. All the more, I hated writing and thought very little of anything I could produce. I hated reading and yet had such a desire to be caught up in a book. My family members were all very smart and would read books vigorously! I could read the words and finish books and not be able to tell you ONE thing that happened. And forget memorizing...that was a for sure fail. All through elementary I struggled. My work ethic was impeccable but that had little to do with the tools I needed to excel. When it came to tests, - multiple choice tests specifically, or my goodness the dreaded true-false tests - I would implode. My oldest sister might have been a stepping stone to the victory. She found a series for me that was so captivating I couldn't put it down. I realized it wasn’t my desire for reading that was the problem, but something greater. Come high school, my mother knew my internal struggle and signed me up for Sylvan tutoring. Even though I was ashamed and immediately thought lesser of myself for even NEEDING this, I learned so much while there. Tools for asking good questions, and confidence to do so. As I went through college to become a teacher, I took so many classes on phonics, literacy, and teaching children HOW to read. I ended up self-diagnosing myself with a type of dyslexia. Now as an adult, I still struggle on the daily. I read and have to reread sometimes. I take notes, I reread the notes, I make connections to other notes, I ask questions - as weird as they may sound - I gain context of what I am reading so I can better understand a text, and on and on my tools have been given.
And now...
Now, I LOVE to read, I LOVE to write and in fact I think it's a divine intervention for my destiny and path that God has laid before me. Reading for information will probably take me twice as long as someone else to read and comprehend, but I can do it! The anxiety still wells up in me when I'm in a group of people and I need to read something and then also add to the conversation with some sort of intelligent comment. I YEARN to read for information and new things to learn, but I need time.
Reading the Bible for me might have been one of the biggest hurdles in my walk with the Lord. I would sit and read and have COMPLETELY not a clue as to what was being said...in one verse. At the beginning of my relationship with him I felt like I needed to STUDY and know so much. I don't think that was a bad yearning, but I soon felt depleted, overwhelmed, and stupid once more.
I wanted to read his word and CONNECT with him like so many others had rejoiced about. So, I went back to basics and instead of trying to find the answers in a book, first I prayed. I prayed for him to talk to me, for the words to make sense, and for the words to be knit down deep into my soul. I also continued with all the tools I had learned through my years, the biggest tool...writing. Just writing my thoughts. As I began this way, more was revealed to me than ever before. Now the line of success that I so desperately wanted to cross of not being able to understand his words is so vague in my memory. Now, I submit to him all my knowledge and almost empty my thoughts and mind before reading. When I give him space to do his work, his heart is revealed and truths are knit deep down in my heart. Things I never would have understood before. God reveals his heart to me as he speaks and I write. And the words I read from his word bring more understanding and comprehension to my mind than any answer I could possibly find in any other book.
Interestingly enough my love language is words...Ha! I thrive on peoples words to me and words to people. And I believe the enemy enjoys nothing else but taking the tools God has provided me and capturing them with lies. The enemy can quickly whisper thoughts about my words and my inner desire to hear from people and make it sound “high maintenance” and "needy." Surrounding myself with people that keep me in check and encourage me in truth at the same time is one of my tools. People that know me is where I check my "neediness" and they fully support me and continue to remind me of my identity in Christ and that I have words that are powerful and a submissive heart. I will NOT let the enemy take something from me that God created so good. First of all, because God is more powerful and second of all, because I stand in authority in my identity in Christ.
If you or a child of yours is going through this same struggle, I pray for you. I pray for boundaries and walls of confusion to be broken. For confidence to be built up and a mighty force of creativity to be birthed. I would love to talk with you, pray with, and support you in any way. Because the peace of knowing WHO God has created you to be and walking in his fullness brings such joy to us and to him. Whatever you feel a longing to press into, just start, go back to basics, and see where it takes you.
You are one truely amazing woman. I am so proud to be your sister. You take every challenge as an opportunity to grow. You listen to others AND take the knowledge to leap into new adventures.
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