Firsts...

The turmoil a parent feels on any "first" that happens to their child is understandable...at least from my perspective.

Your heart aches for them to stay little...for them to stay in the safety of your arms and your ever loving embrace...for them to never be jaded by the things of the world...for them to stay innocent in such a fast paced society...for them to just stay the way they are...for your role to stay the same

and yet...

your heart leaps for joy...at the thought of them making progress...that they won't be an enabled child...that with each step of independence the load for you is lightened by just a sliver of a hair...that THEY are excited to learn something new...at the face of accomplishment in your young one...and for your role to change a bit.

My oldest just experienced another first.  This year he began first grade.  Which means it is the beginning of him spending more time away from me than with me for a long time.  Which I understand is part of life and growing up and it's all good stuff. But it also means the other two are right behind him.

I cried...I cried at the drop of a hat pretty much allllll day.  Don't ask me any questions because I'm for sure gonna loose it. Not even, "Would you like fries with that?"... OR What? I'm wearing sunglasses, inside, in the middle of the day. So What? I'm certain I gave my younger ones more hugs than normal and got loads of weird eye-rolling too.

Tim walked him to school...he's better at moving on with this big kid stuff than I am

From the time I was young I always thought of myself as having "young children".  With every milestone they meet I feel like the dreams I had of being a fantastic mom are just slipping away and for some reason I am filled with regret.

Regret because I have not always responded to them the way I had pictured.  Regret because I should have savored more of their little moments.  Regret because I can't redo any of those moments.

But if I let that take hold of me I miss the blessings I've been given
...being able to stay home with them and see all of those firsts
...more time with the younger ones
...learning from my mistakes
...seeing this new stage and taking things slower
...the chance to redeem myself and make changes to my parenting style
...the chance to know myself better and see my strengths and maybe outsource for the things I am not so great at
...time to look back and really see what God was doing in that time of fogginess and sleeplessness

The words, "Time is so fleeting...treasure these moments...slow down, time..." they are all true words and describe my emotions, but they sound so cliche. But for me I think they sound cliche because I attach it with "I shoulda, coulda, woulda." 

So, I'm going to take a different perspective and see the NEW firsts that I get to experience...be they sad or fleeting, but hopefully without regret.

...firsts with Carolyn's new role of leadership and nurturing those strengths
...firsts with my Ben having complete alone time with me where he can choose freely I can focus solely on him.
...first time experiencing coming out of survival mode
...firsts for being better at boundaries...not just better but more confident
...opportunities to be this older mother that I had never envisioned
...first time I will have a minute to myself without the need for childcare
...opportunities to see where God is leading me next

 So for now, I'll just pour into these two during the day and remember these blessed moments

and be excited to hear about his day when he gets home when they are napping

he loved his first day