room for grace

I hate canceling on people - I really dislike the word hate, but it is appropriately used here. When I cancel on someone I feel as if I have let them down. I want people to be able to count on me or at least feel like I am reliable. And I would say, that yes, in most things I am reliable. 

I'm fairly certain I have these feelings because growing up, if we said we were going to do something, we followed through and did it well.  That's just what we did.  No quitting.  No regrets. You always showed up; rain or snow, we walked to church.  Busy or not, we showed up.  I am so thankful for those lessons, because I feel like it has given me opportunities to meet Jesus by serving and being there for others.

However, sometimes I over-do it.  Sometimes I want to be there for everything and I just physically can't.  And my kiddos physically can't either. And I'm not sure it is my best self forward...or my kiddos best self forward.  

I suffer from class A FOMO (fear of missing out)!  To the max!  I can be sooooo exhausted, telling my husband, "I just don't think I can do one more thing," and then someone texts and wants to hangout.  Immediately my adrenaline rushes and I start making plans.  I am so blessed that Tim is the complete opposite and helps me realize that if I don't slow down soon, I will be an emotional hot-mess.

A few weeks ago, I had over-committed myself.  I woke up Thursday morning ready to go spend time with some lovely ladies. Except, I realized I was missing my kids. Even though I had been with them for 4 days straight I had not actually "been" with them; I had not been present.  I was becoming angry at small things.  And all of a sudden all I really wanted to do was stay home and "play".  Crazy as it may seem, I just wanted to stay home and enjoy my time with them in my pjs.  I was going to be cranky and angry and not my best self if I kept all the commitments. 

I had such anxiety because I had to cancel 3 commitments. I had to say NO to 3 people.  This was hard. My old self would have been so wrought with guilt that I would have lied about why I needed to cancel.  I even began to start texts that way.  And then...I used the delete button.  I deleted the long list of why I can'ts and retyped.  I retyped with honesty and freedom.  My relationship with Jesus is built on love, trust and freedom and if I cannot find freedom in telling the truth in a situation, then I need to figure it out a different way.

So I did.  I was real, and honest...and raw...

and you know what?!?!?!

Every single one of those commitments had grace and love for me.  They all understood.  They understood because I was honest. And because they have been there. 

I was able to have such a life-giving, puddle splashing, pj wearing, fort building, playdough making, kind of day with my kids.  And they needed it. I needed it. As a reset. Sometimes when we omit all the transitions that happen life just gets easier. I am a people person, and I really enjoy connecting with other ladies, so I may not be slowing down all the way.  But I definitely won't be feeling as much guilt in each situation.

I think a pattern of canceling would probably not be ok with most relationships.  But because I was able to be honest and show them my boundaries, they in turn can feel comfortable to do the same.  As mothers we can get so bogged down in the guilt that it can easily run our lives.  But if we have room for grace, healthy boundaries, and love, then we can live in freedom.

Thank you to Allison, Cheryl, Tara and April for showing me some love that day. 

making forts