that stinky feeling
So, it's the eve before everyone returns to work and a regular schedule or "routine" as we professionals call it;) BOOOOOO :( This "stinky feeling" overcomes me in the pit of my stomach. I think most people qualify it as depression (maybe I should get some Abilify to make this little rain cloud disappear).
I have always had this feeling when I have to leave people whose company makes me feel alive, safe, funny, comfortable, warm, and loved inside. I can remember as early as 4 years of age having this feeling. It's safe to say, I'm attached to people! It's this ugly gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. It makes my mood "swing", turns my stomach into knots and even makes my eyes do this funny watery thing (very weird). This feeling slightly overcomes me even when I am just leaving a family function or friendly party. I...JUST...CAN'T...BREAK...AWAY! What is wrong with me?
I've come to a conclusion...it's because I just love those that are in my life sooo much, I can't bear to separate myself. In the medical field, I believe this is diagnosed as attachment disorder. Something traumatic happened to me when I was a child where I was stripped from my family and taken somewhere else without truely being prepared for it. I remember it like it was yesterday:
Bobbie & Julio had just had a party and I was supposed to spend the night with them. If you know my history, Bobbie and Julio usually had two of the five of us grandkids every weekend and I almost ALWAYS was one of the two. Well, when the party ended for some reason I found myself in the back of a car on the way to KENTUCKY to my Godparents house to spend the night!!! I...was...leaving, to...another...state! AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH BOBBIE AND JULIO! This was certainly not ok (mind you, my Godparents were pretty much like family and with all the parties Bobbie and Julio threw, we saw them very often). I think I cried from the time I left in their car until I returned to my mother's embrace the next day. They made every effort to keep me from crying and yet I still persisted. I think I thought, if I cried enough they would bring me back to my Bobbie. But, remember I was in another state and way too long of a drive to make so late at night. I belive this is where it all started for me.
To this day, I still have to hug and say "I Love you" three or four times before I leave those I care about. This is RIDICULOUS! This might explain a little of my child's behavior though. However, it must be truly ingrained in the DNA because there is no way he has had a moment, that he can remember, to create an attachment disorder. He's almost GLUED to my side. I mean, Tim and I have to have some time alone. Right? I'm sure that is what my mother was saying about me.
To this day I still yearn for Tim and a few others, who will not be named so that others don't get jealous, when they leave me for a prolonged period of time. I don't really take pride in this characteristic of myself. I am trying very hard to make sure that Luke, and any other child for which I might be repsonsible, doesn't have this to the degree that I do. And hopefully they won't wait till so late in their life to find joy in "Alone time." I still struggle with alone time.
The good thing is, that I have grown up and now I am better at departures. I used to cry my eyes out. Now, I may have watery eyes, but I put a smile on and try and look forward to SOMETHING. It's not medicine, but so far it's working for me. But, no matter how much I try to see the bright side I still get "that stinky feeling" in my tummy.
I have always had this feeling when I have to leave people whose company makes me feel alive, safe, funny, comfortable, warm, and loved inside. I can remember as early as 4 years of age having this feeling. It's safe to say, I'm attached to people! It's this ugly gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. It makes my mood "swing", turns my stomach into knots and even makes my eyes do this funny watery thing (very weird). This feeling slightly overcomes me even when I am just leaving a family function or friendly party. I...JUST...CAN'T...BREAK...AWAY! What is wrong with me?
I've come to a conclusion...it's because I just love those that are in my life sooo much, I can't bear to separate myself. In the medical field, I believe this is diagnosed as attachment disorder. Something traumatic happened to me when I was a child where I was stripped from my family and taken somewhere else without truely being prepared for it. I remember it like it was yesterday:
Bobbie & Julio had just had a party and I was supposed to spend the night with them. If you know my history, Bobbie and Julio usually had two of the five of us grandkids every weekend and I almost ALWAYS was one of the two. Well, when the party ended for some reason I found myself in the back of a car on the way to KENTUCKY to my Godparents house to spend the night!!! I...was...leaving, to...another...state! AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH BOBBIE AND JULIO! This was certainly not ok (mind you, my Godparents were pretty much like family and with all the parties Bobbie and Julio threw, we saw them very often). I think I cried from the time I left in their car until I returned to my mother's embrace the next day. They made every effort to keep me from crying and yet I still persisted. I think I thought, if I cried enough they would bring me back to my Bobbie. But, remember I was in another state and way too long of a drive to make so late at night. I belive this is where it all started for me.
To this day, I still have to hug and say "I Love you" three or four times before I leave those I care about. This is RIDICULOUS! This might explain a little of my child's behavior though. However, it must be truly ingrained in the DNA because there is no way he has had a moment, that he can remember, to create an attachment disorder. He's almost GLUED to my side. I mean, Tim and I have to have some time alone. Right? I'm sure that is what my mother was saying about me.
To this day I still yearn for Tim and a few others, who will not be named so that others don't get jealous, when they leave me for a prolonged period of time. I don't really take pride in this characteristic of myself. I am trying very hard to make sure that Luke, and any other child for which I might be repsonsible, doesn't have this to the degree that I do. And hopefully they won't wait till so late in their life to find joy in "Alone time." I still struggle with alone time.
The good thing is, that I have grown up and now I am better at departures. I used to cry my eyes out. Now, I may have watery eyes, but I put a smile on and try and look forward to SOMETHING. It's not medicine, but so far it's working for me. But, no matter how much I try to see the bright side I still get "that stinky feeling" in my tummy.
I am finding it harder to say good bye the older I get! Good thing one of us is growing up ;)
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